"While it Was"
Holding her
hand, beautiful hand,
all veins and bones and heavy ring.
Sitting on that
chair, plastic and worn,
white, white,
clean.
Listening to that
sound, sharp and peircing,
alive.
Looking away from that
sterile face, those
sad eyes
to the white, white sterile
floor tiles.
Aware of the
sound, aware of the
tempest of the
white, white noise.
Look away from the
end.
Holding that hand
ugly hand.
Any suggestions?
And as to length- should it be longer?
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I like how you formed your poem. I don't think it needs to be longer.
ReplyDeleteYour poem has a shift (from "beautiful hand" to "ugly hand"), but I don't really get why. Like, I think it's about an old woman (perhaps your grandma) in a hospital dying, but you seem very angry. At first the anger seems directed at the hospital with its whiteness and sterility, but then you call the hand ugly, so I don't know. Clarify that, maybe? What are you feeling and WHY are you feeling that way?
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to explicitly state it, but make sure it's clear.
I don't think it needs to be longer, it is what it is, but I agree with Rebecca, it does seem almost angry, and that makes it confusing.
ReplyDeleteto me its just a little confusing i think add some more describing words to it. but maybe if you added length you could explain more of what your trying to get at
ReplyDelete